Ego Hell – Journal 5/31/17

J-Day has come and gone. Critiques are in and they are disappointingly not tearing me apart? Am I actually good at this? Everyone looking and smiling and saying most everything you do is okay is a sort of ego hell for someone like me. I relish in the verbal combat of defending my writing, and I think I might need a much harder critic to destroy me as a human being based off of poems. Or I’m a glutton for punishment.

Along those lines, an upcoming poem ‘Jungles of Hell’ features the set “Start running/ doors open, we’re coming/// we will set/ fire to the fire ones/ and build victory bridges/ on the backs of skeletons”. There’s that raw confidence I’ve been getting after! There it is! Striking me at a point where I am romantically compromised by a sudden wellspring of ideas and concepts. 

Single. Its meaning has morphed into a beast I call old blood. What’s old blood, you might ask? Old Blood is a poem I wrote back when a certain someone (called Rae, in ENGRAEYGED) told me of her not great past in the relationshipsphere. It was a poem designed to be animalistic in how ready I would come to her defense if any one of those marred exes of hers ever appeared while I was with her. 

Old Blood is an allegory for the fury an ex can bring. 

A fury that, now single again, I wish to tempt. In the form of Rae. In the form of someone from Olympia. And while it’s passive-aggressive as shit to talk about it in my echo chamber of a journal, I need these thoughts out. Very personal, wounding thoughts. 

Rae is even one of the reasons I wanted to take up photography. I uploaded some media to here during that relationship back in fall/winter of 2015/2016, and it was in black and white because Rae was colorblind. The sentiment behind that was to see what she saw. Understand what she understood. I described what sunset looked like to her once, and how it danced on leaves of the park we were in. She could remember colors, but due to her trauma she had become greyscale visioned. After she broke up with me, I sought to capture images which I would have had to describe to her. Some of which I even take the extra step still to write about to describe the colors, for anyone here who is colorblind. 

So I’m thinking of meeting up with the one who gave me Murmur. And the one who reaps her eternal revenge by playing into my thoughts still effortlessly. 

My life has seemed to revolve around relationships in a strange way. I am me. I always have been. No one but my first girlfriend ever had a hand in changing that for the worse, but the other three? They earned their place in my art. Now there’s also a fifth, and it didn’t take her nearly as much effort to impact me positively as some others did. And even she says she’s willing to ride this out while I do single person things. It’s great. She’s great, for that. I’ve always been a serial monogamist and I want some time to live the life that LMFAO made music about 6 years ago. She’s just handed me that opportunity. 

I stand me, and wanting to at least go out to coffee with and see in person again two of the people on this Earth who will always be a part of me. No expectations, of course, but just to see because I can, now. 

That’s me and my more internal side. A lot of my poetry directly reflects what’s going on in here, but it’s all inside still. Cryptic as hell. 

Sometimes it feels like my thoughts are a carniverse ripping at nodes of memory to see if I can revive them. Making memories is something I love doing, but what about memories made and done with? Can they be brought back from the dead to dance with? We might just find out.

“Start running. Door’s open, we’re coming…”

In other business… we did it! Yesterday at about 2pm, Radio Reality City clocked more visitors this year so far than ALL of 2016! I promise, it’ll only get better. Stick with it!

Having J-Day even gave me moxie enough to want to print off another publication to pirate-distribute at campus. Maybe I’ll be doing that as well!

Quality content always on the way, and once again, thank you for reading my soapbox. Something better will be up later today, after I wake up from this ego hell. 

For those of you more sensible to be asleep already (if living in the states), I’ll put up something lighter in the morning. Thanks again for sticking with it!

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