Worst Side of Me

You got what you were
Looking for
I guess

2 AM before a final
A year and a half
After we stopped
Talking

2 years and 3 months
After I ripped
Your heart to shreds

Didn’t listen
To anything you said

“I hate that I love you”
I can understand that
Feeling now but

Somewhere deep inside I
Protested
That this was something
I took to bed one night

And decided to make it all
Your fault

I guess this wasn’t the
Best thing to do

Playing my cards
And breaking you

Am I over it yet
Or have you just
Raised all the god
Damn stakes

From 39
Miles
And years
Away?

I guess that wasn’t
The best side of me
When you were crying
Because of me

You got your revenge
With all the quotes
You said

“I wish this past
4 days was just
A dream”

“Selfish as fuck”

Since then it’s been
Waves
Washing over me

Feeling it all around

I feel like I’m hexed
Or cursed myself
Can’t ever say enough
For the things I did

I can’t apologize
Or take it back
Can’t punish myself enough
Or take a whip and crack

It across my back
Enough
To leave canyons of scars
Arcing across my spine

“Selfish and cold lying
Piece of scum”
Now that time’s past
I can see that’s what I had
Become

“I’m shaking and I’m hurt
And I want to punch you
And I want to hug you”

If only I could see myself
Then
What indifference flowed
Through my hands

If only you could listen to me
Now
And forgive me for what
I said

But now with that mark
You’ve left on me
You’ve gotten your
Revenge

“Thanks for when
We were together.
I had a lovely time.”

The kind of thing
That should have snapped
Me out of it
And made me cry

Made me realize what
I was doing was wrong

But it’s been saved for
Until now

You will forever
Be a part of me
You will forever
Be a regret

You will always be the thing
I knew I should have kept

Your influence reaches
Into my speech
Into my writing
Into my head

Every day
All day

And not a day goes by
Where I don’t wonder why
I was so stupid and thick

Why I couldn’t see that
You were also the thing
I needed

I live and live and relive
All about us all over again

I live with those regrets
And in the end,
Every day of my life
I think of you again,
And
You reap your eternal revenge

Mcfearson

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I’ve never had a problem
Identifying as a slav
While disliking nazis

And thinking that the Serbs
That started World War 1
Were totally in the wrong

Or being Native American
And feeling like it really
Was savage that tomahawks
Chopped scalps off of settlers

I share blood with a
Great great great grandfather
That shot a man
Over a tire swing

Nor that I really feel
For the Greeks or the
Vikings that fearsome
Things into the hearts

Even though my English
Brothers went to war
Against them

I never had much fear, son

About anything, anyone
Fighting in the Middle East
Or about the south Sudanese
Army killing me

I’m not worried about
Korea or Vietnam

I didn’t do a sit in
In the sixties
But does that mean
I have to pick a side?

I think it’s really funny
And really kind of scummy
That I’m being lumped in
With all the white guys

These days

Yeah, I’m white on the outside
Very white, indeed

I’m fear, son

I’m Jake
And I can swap pens
With
Anthony Mcpherson

And have no fear, son
About needing to convey
Any god damn thing
To anyone in any way

Because I’ve got a pen
And I might be white
But my pen’s ink is black

You really need to get to
Know someone before you call
Me out and blame me
For all the shit
Any white guys did

Just call me
Jake Mcfearson

Because I’m more than the
Sum of all I’ve been through