Simsimyya

Depthy into the night
Deep conversations
As we descend further
Into darkness

Heartstrings being
Strummed by
Someone with a
Sweet hum

Sap can be bitter
But you’re so tender
No shame in being sappy
While you strum off cinders

And your able fingers
Play me great songs
Hands’ heat confident
Casting embers with friction

Strings shooting sparks
Even as day burns out
Forging by chords
A heart in gold

Depthy into the night
You sweetly hum
Fingers fire the forge
And heartstrings strum

Worst Side of Me

You got what you were
Looking for
I guess

2 AM before a final
A year and a half
After we stopped
Talking

2 years and 3 months
After I ripped
Your heart to shreds

Didn’t listen
To anything you said

“I hate that I love you”
I can understand that
Feeling now but

Somewhere deep inside I
Protested
That this was something
I took to bed one night

And decided to make it all
Your fault

I guess this wasn’t the
Best thing to do

Playing my cards
And breaking you

Am I over it yet
Or have you just
Raised all the god
Damn stakes

From 39
Miles
And years
Away?

I guess that wasn’t
The best side of me
When you were crying
Because of me

You got your revenge
With all the quotes
You said

“I wish this past
4 days was just
A dream”

“Selfish as fuck”

Since then it’s been
Waves
Washing over me

Feeling it all around

I feel like I’m hexed
Or cursed myself
Can’t ever say enough
For the things I did

I can’t apologize
Or take it back
Can’t punish myself enough
Or take a whip and crack

It across my back
Enough
To leave canyons of scars
Arcing across my spine

“Selfish and cold lying
Piece of scum”
Now that time’s past
I can see that’s what I had
Become

“I’m shaking and I’m hurt
And I want to punch you
And I want to hug you”

If only I could see myself
Then
What indifference flowed
Through my hands

If only you could listen to me
Now
And forgive me for what
I said

But now with that mark
You’ve left on me
You’ve gotten your
Revenge

“Thanks for when
We were together.
I had a lovely time.”

The kind of thing
That should have snapped
Me out of it
And made me cry

Made me realize what
I was doing was wrong

But it’s been saved for
Until now

You will forever
Be a part of me
You will forever
Be a regret

You will always be the thing
I knew I should have kept

Your influence reaches
Into my speech
Into my writing
Into my head

Every day
All day

And not a day goes by
Where I don’t wonder why
I was so stupid and thick

Why I couldn’t see that
You were also the thing
I needed

I live and live and relive
All about us all over again

I live with those regrets
And in the end,
Every day of my life
I think of you again,
And
You reap your eternal revenge

Passed Through His Story

A spectre of choices
Just who am I?
An umbra of history

An ancient part of
His story

He who was deciding
Eclipsing the mystery

Those times all lie frozen
In stasis, never to be
Don’t know where they could’ve gone
Time fractures under siege

His forms have transformed
They built a pyramid
I see right where he came from
From atop the bodies

History

I miss the young me
The stuff was free me
Hated brushing my teeth
And always ate candy me

Before an innocent me
Getting flowers for his
High school girlfriend
On a Schwinn bike me

I miss the young me
I miss the old me
5’11 since
Middle school me

Playing in the dirt me
6 hours every day me

I miss the old me
I miss who I used to be
Before I had to see what
Being broken up was me

Not knowing what death
Looks like me
Not wondering about the
Next life me

I miss the old me
Straight shooting
Predictability
Of a kid me

Can’t speak to the things
That the old me did to get
To where I can see his story
Me

I miss the old me
I miss the frozen me
The things potentially
I could have done me

Worrying about
Driving school me
8 dollars
In the bank me

Am I everything I could be

If I sometimes miss the old me?
14 years old me
Before things started
Getting heavy me

Before I learned about bonds me
Those nights I could
Stay up ’till dawn me

I miss the old me
I miss the old me
I miss the old me

Parents on my shoulder
Because their decisions
Were cheap me

Depending on a ride to school me
Ignorant of taxes and crap
Like that me

I miss the old me

And I know he wished for this me
6’1 and 19 me
Driving a Jeep me
Loved and lost and

Loved and lost
And loved and lost me

Known people who’ve OD’d
Seen the effects a bullet
Has on a brain me

Gamestop me
Dressed up in a nice shirt me
A security guard in college
At a college me

Wandering the woods looking
For pot smokers me
Issuing parking tickets as I
Saw fit me

Red light ticket me
Fought it and took it
To the court
Because I can’t afford it me

Paying tuition me
Finding a job me

I miss the old me
Who spent saturday mornings
Playing Timesplitters me

I miss the old me content
With knowing he was doing
Everything right me

Because right now I don’t know
If I’ll ever know if what I’m doing
Is what’s right for me

I fight for me

I miss the old me
Who didn’t have to fight me

I miss the old me
Not all torn up and angsty

Pre-hoodie me
Before I found out what
Liquor tasted like me

Before listening to classmates
And being their psychologist me

Before the weird me
16 wearing knee high boots me

Before the acne and
Weak knees before I
Had confidence me

I miss the old me

Naive and hopeful me

I miss the old me
I miss the old me

I wonder where he
Got frozen before
He just became a part
Of this story

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

That I see my life as a movie
And that I’m not my own
Protagonist

And I’m only a supporting
Character to so many
Other people

Just a face
A background
An extra
To my own story

And my own stories
I tell because no one
Else will ever tell me
As anything important

It’s gotta be me
Saying out loud
All the things I think
Are cool and worth

Debating
Myself and my own values
Every day
When I wake up and think

“What in the world
Can I do today?”

Because that answer
Is frighteningly nothing

Just to keep going

I’m scared I just keep going
And am not doing as much
As I could be

Not that anyone
Would tell me

Murderer

Murderer

I murdered my successor
Brutally

Had his body, mind, and soul
In my prying hands

I threw him against
A pot-holed street

And as instructed
By future forces

Kicked
And kicked

Mustering up every ounce
To look myself in the face

And enact mercy
In the name of destiny

With blood of ours
Spraying with white bone

What a walk of shame
It was walking up the hill

Back to his car
With the keys

Wearing his clothes
Wearing his birthmarks

With his dog tags
With his gauntlet