Sin City Prayers – Journal #2 10/2/17

When I wake up in the morning these days it’s like there’s a 10% chance that something awful has happened way too close for comfort. San Bernardino. The stabbing of a cabbie in Spokane. Vegas. You know how you keep up with people on social media but don’t really talk to them? I have such a person on my Facebook friend’s list that I was once pretty fond of.

The world is only stranger when I know that my first crush way back in elementary school was present and evading gunfire in Las Vegas last night, in what is now the largest mass shooting in American history.

These things are happening more often and more closely. My sister worked at the building that the San Bernardino shooting took place, before we moved. Almost every day I wake up and must be unphased by the world being rocked by another event that changes it. When my family became interested in gun culture, I was initially quite hesitant.

My brother started a family and now had much to lose if someone were to break into his home. He had things he wanted to protect. So he got pretty deep into casual gun culture. A couple gun shows here and there. He got his conceal carry license. Still, I thought it was a little much.

After all, in a perfect world, where justice and karma were dispensed evenly and people didn’t get shot in public by the dozens, you wouldn’t need a device that can end a life at the flip of a switch. These events remind me that we do not live in a perfect world.

We’re getting to the point where people nearly HAVE to have these things in order to feel safe. Good guy with a gun versus bad guy with a gun rather than bad guy with a gun versus guy. This is nuclear deterrence at the individual level. To protect from dying you must carry something that can kill. Just carry, filled with regret that the world must persist like this. Not needing to use.

Then after these shootings gun lobbyists on both sides get loud and cloud the actual tragedy. I’m not going to talk about what would and won’t work, but god damn do I understand what I want for myself. Not have to fear.

When I turn 21 I intent to purchase myself such a nuclear deterrent. My dad has one, my brother has one, and the world is increasingly closing in with negativity where people threaten and use theirs every day. Nobody at Vegas would have been able to stop that crazed man, but this is another example of the world changing for the worse.

Domestic America is being scarred by these events more and more. I refuse to be a victim in one of them. So I will get myself a tool of mutually assured destruction. Maybe it’ll help. Maybe it won’t. But I’ll be fucked if I sit down and say I choose to be powerless when I’m on a movie date with my girlfriend and somebody stands up to begin firing into the seats.

I refuse to become a victim as long as I know I have the power to resist the malicious will of a stranger.

Personally, I will resist disarmament. Take a look at any international relation. Nuclear disarmament was a great idea, but every country shakes hands with the others with a knife gripped in the hand behind their back. Must we as a society evolve to this savage character?

I will be savage if it means I will live.

I struggle to find words that don’t make me sound like some absolutely morally superior prick who errs on the side of owning a handgun. The world is not black and white. I hate that I live in a place that is quickly becoming a hazard to exist in. Things are getting more personal, and more proximate. These events are getting more dangerous and the death toll is escalating with every one of them that happens.

But like I said, if the world is a hazard to exist in I will protect myself as if my life depends on it, because it does. Other interpretations will say that means different things. To me it means nuclear deterrence, because I refuse to be afraid.

Apologies if this got more personal to me than you’re used to. It’s been a hell of a weekend and today doesn’t at all feel like a day off. You all will probably tune in to some news source inadvertently and will hear about this event for weeks to come. I might be back with another journal later tonight getting back to writing.

Just thought I’d put my philosophy on it before the politics enter the fray.

Stay safe, everyone. Be safe. Live. Survive. Thrive.


Je Suis Pistol

je suis pistol.jpg

Charging out from haze
Holding questions close
La Vie en Rose

Yet confident
And brimming with
Rosy white fire’s tint
Always willing to bloom

A pistol my protection
A life in rose reflection
Nuit de reve banners
Flowing above me

Muzzle flash
A fleur de lis
Cautious places
My wander sees

Lost in a titan’s realm
Intelligent design, a well
Spring of Fibonacci
Sequence labyrinths

Life in pinks and fractals
Following the trails
Mesmerizing glass so
Bright and fragile

Charging through the vegas
Below my banner Vega
I am pistol
La Vie en Rose

Zeppelin of Twilight

Zeppelin of Twilight

What have we really conquered?
Fighting for so long
That the war prizes
Were ruined.

All the gas and craters
And uncovered traitors,
The bombs in the sky
And their detonators,

The trenches are filled in
With brass and incense
And dusk now descends
As ritual ash when

Casings hollow,
Solemn in falling.
Buds shed blood
And the mud gets swallowed.

Today we remember havocked
Steps above trenches;
The days before
That bloomed so radiant.

Now, in this time,
This afterglow,
We take off our masks
And of our prizes we’re known.



A bipod resting
On a low wall

A bolt action
Opened with a
Meaty metal

A single
.525 caliber

Loaded in
With a sliding
Schwing against

A curved
Locking back
Into place
With a lift
And push
Back to bolt
The round

A stamped
And casted ingot
Of power

Sighting down
A barrel

Trigger pulled

A deafening
Heavy ore

A shockwave
Of recoil
Shoving a
And stormcalling


Metal leaves
In muzzle blast

A savage tank hunted
The lower caste



From my car I saw soldiers
Run a stop sign
In a beat up offroad vehicle
Wildly firing their weaponry
At pursuing militant crazies

On the floorboard were paper cups
Emblazed with insignias of drive-throughs
And on the stereo was blasting
Western heavy metal radio

One sat on the window and aimed back
Another, the passenger, changing the track
Someone in the backseat having a snack
The driver cackling while under attack

Speeding uphill later on
As a tornado smashes through things
And still outrunning
All that were chasing

It looked like they were
Having fun

Pfiefer Zeliska

Pfiefer Zeliska

Weighing in at 13 lbs.
Priced at $17,316
With a height of 1’10
And the cylinder capacity to hold
Five 900 grain
.600 Nitro Express
Slugs valued at $40 a round
And firing them at
1,950 feet per second

The Pfiefer Zeliska

Gold-plated and armed
Is a charge stopper,
Halting the most dangerous
Game mid-attack
And putting it down
For good

The .600 Nitro Express slugs
Were invented in the early 1900’s
With the purpose of hunting
Large game on safaris into Africa

In a Nitro Express slug is a
Composition of nitrocellulose
And nitroglycirin,
Marketed with the word ‘express’
To compare it to locomotives
Of the day

Originally intended to be
Chambered with large bolt-action

A cylinder worth $200 may now be
Loaded into a hand cannon

To sit on a stand as a mantle
Piece above a fireplace

Emblazoned with the words:




Little white plastic ball bearings
Hurt when they impact skin
After fired from spring or CO2

That’s why we wear vests
And masks and helmets over
Jumpsuits and thick pants

That’s why we fear the pellets
They cause pain and decide
Whether or not you “live”

In a dusty and deep trench
I pull back the bolt to
Prime a powerful spring

Through a visor, not much
Can’t be seen without a
Haze of chaos and heat

Barely a figure with a red
Armband can be detected
On the opposite field side

Plastic clinks against metal
To aim down the sights
And fire at that team

How many painful pellets
Shoot from airsoft guns
On a plastic battlefield