Surface Deep – Journal 10/7/17

It’s been emotion heavy lately. I keep wondering when I’ll outgrow nostalgia, but it isn’t happening. My nostalgia just gets closer to the present as I move, so it moves with me.

The sweatpants I’m wearing, and have been wearing for years, are stained with paint from painting the dorm of someone I don’t talk to anymore. Loaned them to people. Wore them. A lot of understated memories.

Sometimes I think about keeping a timeline or calendar on here just to keep things straight. To always have a reference to look at when I can’t understand why a certain song gets to me. I wonder what might be on that calendar.

A year ago it’d be written by a different me, like the year before was, and the year before. But a year ago it’d be about Bellingham and Mount Si and North Bend and bladed pens. Funny how you get to missing things no matter how much time has passed.

Like how I miss watching the Force Awakens for the first time the year before that. The snowy wintry love that existed like a flash and thunder, and was gone.

And the year before that when I was entangled with Olympia.

And the year before that when I was watching plays and dating an actress.

Sometimes it really sucks. Yeah, boo hoo me, right? Had too much of a good time? No. I’m talking about how it sticks. Fantastic people, places, times, and now it’s all gone. Good thing I write.

I do wish I had photos from the cafe at Western Washington University. Because of such a prevalent fear of forgetting things, I hate when even the simplest things aren’t saved sometimes.

Music can be the savior, often. Things that you hear in the moment of a memory can make it crisper when you listen to a certain song down the line. “Relocate” by Kauf brings back my first breakup. “Pacify” will always remind me of North Bend. Always always always. This summer I let another song of his develop meaning to me, so “Through the Yard” will always remind me of this past summer. And here I sit eagerly awaiting a new album by Kauf due to drop within the next week.

I hadn’t until recently been much a fan of taking photos of people for a few reasons. You can’t put them up on a place like this without asking. You can’t show the people in your memories without asking them, first. In some cases that’s nigh impossible or unwanted. But landscapes aren’t like that. They just are, and you can do what you want with them. Simple. Includes a memory, and you can show people a little bit of something that you were talking about.

Someday way in the future when I’m maybe middle-aged, I’m going to write an autobiography and see how much I can remember. I can’t do it now, else it could be a breach of privacy. Autoethnography? Not what I’m looking at like what I did with ENGRAEYGED. Autobiographical. Names, places, dates, times. Things that other people could care less about, but strung together have the threads of my life. Out on display.

I’ve always been an open book. I wish I could be more open, though.

Anyways, nothing too depthy today. Just some thinking of mine, and I know everyone loves that, right?

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