Grief in my life has come in waves every once in a while. I can normally track it like the phases of the moon (wow, how fucking edgy of me), and sometimes it reaches out like a rogue wave to capsize whatever high I’ve been on.
I’m currently housesitting, which is giving me time to think again, and when that happens for a long time I of course get around to thinking of everything.
Let me set a stage for you.
In August of last year, I had been jobless for 8 months. I was in the midst of scraping around for a place to land in which I might belong. I had an interview at a local Staples, which is an office supply store. They have a printing department, and I thought with my Radio Reality City-ing I had enough printing experience to take an entry level spot. I was excited, leaving the really good interview. I thought I had something coming, something fantastic that could set into motion a stage of my life.
Through my ex, I was housesitting in North Bend, having all the time I wanted to drink in the sights and think and generally laze about, enjoying the tranquil. I was putting work into this site, of course, among playing Grand Theft Auto V, watching youtube videos, and finding the next artist I could get into. It was hot, I remember. Similar to now and my housesitting gig this weekend. I wrote as much as I could. I think Kjempen was a product of that week, trying to sleep in a second story bedroom with the freeway off in the distance making such a satisfying, quiet hiss mixing with the cool air. Also, the song Kill Me by Xilent came out while I was there, and it only reinforced that symbolism for me.
I got a call while there that I had the job at staples. Age 19, with a job, going to school. Going places. That’s what it felt like. I nearly felt the shift in the direction my life was going, finally something opened up in my road and I could pursue.
I walked out into the North Bend sun in my pajamas, phone in hand, playing the Soulwax remix of Stock by Palmbomen. That moment made me feel like everything was going to be alright. Everything was going to be okay. And it was fucking incredible.
Smash cut to three weeks later when I find out due to some fuck-ups on their end I actually didn’t have the job. And had to take a security guard position. Fun times, life. Takes you exactly where you don’t think you’ll go.
I’ve related this anecdote because I’ve just purchased the original version of Stock by Palmbomen, in an era of my life where I feel like those doors are opening up again. I have a fantastic job that I love, no tuition payments until autumn (my favorite season, and less tuition owed thanks to taking less classes), a car to go places, and a varitable cushion of finances in case anything happens. Say, like when my car continues to backfire even though my O2 sensor is fucking new. Something must be wrong at some point, and for once it’s not with me!
This journal’s excerpt is from “Cutis Anserina”:
Over Teneriffe’s teeth
And North Bend valley peaks
Embers of Sol
Burn Ellensberg’s soul
As the visible spectrum
Scorches the grass”
In which I write about central Washington. Funny how I’ve circled back to that. That’s grief for you. Rogue waves that just fuckin’ smash you over the head and drown you under the surface of all the bullshit you thought you forgot.
But that’s enough of me being depressing like everyone else my age. Because things are actually pretty damn good when a Burger King is within walking distance and I’m an adult who can choose to go there and spend money and make stupid Snapchat videos. I can spend a night with people I’m interested in and be welcomed into environments I’ve never been partial to. Now I am.
Fuck, I even like hookah now! Never would have thought a year ago that would be something I did. In the spirit of things, today I’m listening to Stock by Palmbomen. Check it out for some psychedelic electro!
That’s the takeaway from this journal: did you ever think you’d be where you are now and enjoying it as much as you are? Take a look around. Be proud. It’s all yours, because no one else is going to live your life to the fullest for you. You have to get out there and do it!