Slam, Bitch, Slam

Two
Years
Later

And she’s still the only one
Who can make me feel
Like I’m doing something
Wrong

That is why it is natural
I know what I feel
Should be the thing to
Make me doubt myself

Fuck it gets hard sometimes
When I’m reminded of her
Or you compare yourself
To her

She is a drug I am constantly
Trying to get clean from
Because those needle stabs
In my arm are still seeping

Lucy

I haven’t ever really opened
Up about her because I’m
Scared of being fucking
Reminded

I know that she has an effect on me
I don’t know what it is
I know I could make rash choices
And act impulsively

I just can’t help myself
When I am fed that mixture
I will flail and grasp for help
And will find no end

To this dose

Another dose of Lucy
That’s what it is
And I’ve been dancing around
It for so long I almost
Thought I could forget

I would love to think that
After we broke up
I moved on and could
Believe she was dead

But the truth is she strikes
Me silly without effort
And I turn to writing
To pour the bottle down
My throat again

This time I’m almost
A few months sober
And I thought it was it
And she would go away

I’d like to think I’ve moved on
I’ve gotten better
But these fucking words
Still hurt my fucking liver

When another wave of her
Crashes into my concious
Like an ocean of fury
And man, it is potent

Three years later…

And there’s something still bitter
About the thought that she’s
Out there and I’m not with her

Fuck, I know that sounds bad
But I’m always trying to forget
That I’m really just a god damn
Addict

I don’t go to meetings
With AA or NA
I don’t seek therapy
Or go out of my way

I go into my temple and I write
The good things away
Like they never happened
Or like I saw them in a cinema

I try to nurse my regrets
I try to fill the holes left
From something that did
Really mean something
To me at least

I’m a fucking addict
And the heroin beside me
Lays in needles
Just ready to load

Lucy I hope if you’re
Reading this or
Hearing this somehow

I really fucking hope
You know what you did

But I can’t blame you
For all of this
For my condition
I’m not wishing
This on you

You did something great
For me

You introduced me to you

But now I’m cold turkey
And every so often
Someone comes by my alley
And tosses tools beside me

Waiting to see how I handle
What comes next
How much I’m gonna inject
And if there’s any left

I’m addicted to Lucy
And I can fucking help
Think that I did something
Wrong

She’s the only drug in my life
And whenever I get it
It goes right in
Like a neurotoxin

Paralyzed and dead alive
I’m walking with a fog in my head
I’m out
Lucy is in

And suddenly I’m not
Good enough
And don’t regret enough
And I pale in comparison

To whatever I’m doing now
Right now,
Because I’m not with her

I’ve got the infection
By an injection

Innoculated with her
I thought it was the cure
But for fuck’s sake
I want to be with the source
To see

If we’d work

Fuck you, man, quit thinking
Like that

You’ve moved on, far ahead
And have more important
Shit in your head
Than to think
About an ex that you’ve
Considered gone and dead

But maybe it isn’t
And three years later
That doubt still creeps in

Needles of
Doubt sticking out my chest
And they’re all drained

I’m limp on the alley ground
Waiting for the feeling
To go away

Writing the same damn thing
Again and again and again
Like I’m fucking insane

But I know I’m not insane

Walk past me
On the sidewalk
And you might see

I’m just an addict
Shameful to be full of
A chemical cocktail
That must have a
Half life of forever

My deepest secret
And abstract fantasy

I’m addicted

Addicted
To Lucy