Homewrecker Sleaze

Homewrecker Sleaze

I could tell you what it felt like
To want to be
The homewrecker

I could tell you of
The conflict in my mind
And the ferocious fire that burned

Over a dame to kill for
I didn’t mind knowing
She already had a lover

Didn’t mind showing
That right now I was
Here for her

In all those gross, private ways
I’ve felt before fantasizing
She’d grow weak to me

But she didn’t
And instead she texted
Her boyfriend

To tell him what she
Had just done with me
And to ask forgiveness

Which he did, adding
“Maybe you shouldn’t
Talk to him anymore,

It seems to be hurting him
To see you with me.”
Before she scowled at me

Like I wasn’t the one feeling
Held hostage or as if
I didn’t feel like an idiot

Because I did
But there was a feeling
Worth killing for

So the next morning
I sacrificed myself
And decided to give up

And I could tell you
For hours the things
I felt like screaming

“Why am I here?”
“Why would you let me…
Get so far?”

But I was silenced by
The voice in me that said
I shouldn’t be so selfish

When I saw the panic in her body
As she reached for the phone
After she pushed me away

From then on
I couldn’t find the voice
That said those things

The voice that told me
“Do no harm”
If I cared so much

When I realized that I wasn’t
“Making it right”
For the right reasons

So there it was at 4a.m.
I held myself hostage on the floor
With roulette at my head

Waiting to see
If I’d say something stupid
While she laid above in her bed

But I didn’t
I left the house
So far from home

And found a bike
That wasn’t mine
To do laps and think

To tire myself out
If even I could
To find that voice again

And I fell asleep on that floor
When I came back
Waking up to her asleep

6 in the morning
When I was meant to leave
She sat up

I didn’t feel like saying goodbye
Because the voice said
I shouldn’t

And as I ignored her on the bed
I opened her door
To see if I could disappear

“You were right.”
She stirred in bed and said
“I do feel something.”

With tears in her eyes
I wish from years away
That I’m still some happy memory

Because the stupid shit
I said and did didn’t make
Me feel high and mighty

I was in the silent carpool
With her dad who didn’t know
She and I had a history

I decided it’d be best
To let go as much
As I possibly could

He dropped me off at home
And I fumbled for my keys
At 7a.m.

Tired and dripping
With genuine sleaze
I crawled through the door

Making for my room
Tossing my things on my floor
And knocking off

With my shoes still on
Not caring about
The cold window open

I deserved it
I deserved the cracked eyes
And groggy face

I deserved the raggedness
In knowing I just tried to borrow
Her happiness

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