Sassy

Sassy

She was my first real kiss
Mouth-to-mouth
For realsies “connection”
By way of the lips
When we were walking
During passing period
At my middle school

We were going to go off
To our separate classes
And before we did
She pecked me
Right on the lips

Quick
Like she’d done it before
Or had practice

While me, a twelve year old boy
Stood dazed in the moment
As she ran off to her next class

And I swaggered into biology
Feeling like it meant something

But I don’t like
To tell people that

Because I tend to dwell only
On strange things that happened
After that day

She was always talking about
Court dates
And not going home

I heard she ran away once

She stayed in my house
One day while we were watching
Robot Chicken on the TV
In my room I had to coerce
My parents into letting me have

Someone came to pick her up
And she didn’t want to go
Back “home”
Where I didn’t recognize
The one time I saw it as
Being run down

But none of that stuff
Crossed my mind
When we were roller skating
At the Stardust roller rink
Mere months before it closed
And shared more tiny kisses
And big hugs
Underneath the speakers
Playing Owl Cities’ “Fireflies”

That schoolyard fancy
Lasted weeks

And then it just ended

Afterwards she’d apologize
About how she “messed my life up”
But still I was blind to these things
My more aware parents
And more observant friends
Would say to me

And at the time none of that
Interpretably ugly
Made me look away

Yet somehow I became
Ashamed enough
And disillusioned
With my own innocence
At the time
In the light of facts
I would learn later on

So I used to not tell people
That she was my first kiss

But I can remember now
That sense of childhood
That true innocence

And I can say
I feel guilty
For lying to myself
And everyone else

About how it felt
Being kissed
By a girl
For the first time
When I was just
A twelve-year-old boy